The early stages of a new adult dating relationship are the best times because it’s packed with romantic shenanigans and you both still don’t know what to expect, which makes everything you do fun and exciting. However, this same unknown makes early phases of an adult dating relationship scary. That stage of being unsure is full of questions. And the more I think about these questions, the more it freaks me out. Here are a few things that scare the crap out of me at the start of an adult dating relationship:

•  She’ll Get Bored

There will come a point where she will get used to it all, and then boredom is going to set in. Will I be able to overcome this?

•  At Some Point, She’ll Think I’m Coming on Too Strong

There is usually a lot of communication at the start, so we randomly text sweet nothings to each other. However, I sometimes over-analyze things so go over what I’ll be sending and think about how often I’d want to send two messages in a row. Do we have to exchange text messages everyday at first? I don’t want her to think I’m getting into much too quickly.

•  She’s Seeing Somebody Else

All’s fair in the beginning, even if she’s still seeing other people. So while we’re getting more into each other, I’m thinking about when we’re going to reach an “exclusive” point. Until then, I have no right to get mad if she’s seeing other dudes.

•  She’s Into My Friend

It’s clearly a Catch-22: I want the girl I’m dating to like my friends, but it’s still in its early stages that she might be into one of them too. That’s honestly going to give me major paranoia.

•  I Did Something to Make Her Dislike Me

Early in the relationship, it’s very likely that a statement, or even a quip, can change the other person’s affection instantly. This usually happens when it takes too long for her to respond to texts or calls, or if she seems distant. So I generally analyze and think about what I might have said or done to make her not want to see me anymore.

•  She Just Wants to Be Friends

There is a period of time in the beginning when you walk the fine line between the “friends,” and “more than friends” stage. And when I go out on a date with one of their friends, it doesn’t help when women tell me she just wanted to spend time as friends and see what it was like.

The early stages of an adult dating relationship are so sensitive that there are loads of things to worry about. You’re objective is to get through all the obstacles and bumps to reach a point where it’s smooth sailing. However, it’s never that easy.

I attended a European conference just a while back, and it explored the relationship between advertising and the Internet, specifically in social media. One of the speakers said that the Internet has started the largest cultural shift since the industrial revolution.

During the conference, I wondered how much the Internet has changed the world of adult dating, and then I moved on thinking about the other entities or inventions that changed adult dating through time. Here are a few things I’ve come up with:

•  Secularism

There were a few movements that lessened the influence of religion, and empowered scientific shifts in society. For instance, Darwin’s theory questioned the belief that women were created from a guy’s rib. It essentially turned us into animals; and suggested that we choose partners a lean and athletic partner, or one with a fat bank account by unconscious natural selection.

•  The Telephone

Even the first words uttered on the first telephone were “date-like.” To his assistant, Alexander Bell said, “Mr. Watson, come here. I want to see you.” Okay, he wasn’t really asking him out on a date, but he would eventually shape the process of how we date: Getting a phone number became an integral part of the adult dating ritual. It was written on a piece of paper back in the old days, but now the digits are just conveniently punched in a cell phone.

•  The 60s

The Free Love movement not only sparked sexual liberation, but it was also originally a rejection of marriage. It paved the way to modern times: decades of perversion and excess followed after the conservative 50s.

•  The Car

Cars are adult dating modes of transport: a cool ride makes a guy more attractive. Back in high school, cars helped us pick up and move around with our dates, and it provided a convenient place to make out.

•  AIDS

A fatal disease sobered up society after the unrestrained 70s. The best way to stay away from this deadly disease is through abstinence from sex. AIDS instantly put out the intoxicating flames of the 60s with a lethal reality.

•  The Internet

These days, a lot of people can meet in cyberspace, making the world much smaller. I’m pretty sure the Internet has saved a lot of long-distance adult dating relationships that would’ve died before Skype, Facetime, and email, but it has also made things a little more complicated when it comes to communication in dating. We a have whole lot of choices.

Doing an online search can reveal deal-breakers even before getting to know the person, and you can stalk someone if you want to. We have yet to see all the changes, but I think this is the biggest change in adult dating since secularism.

A lot of us probably went through a phase where we’ve regretted just about every move we did when out adult dating, from cold hitting, sex, to commitments. In fact, all this time I still regret half of the moves I make. In truth, are break ups overrated?

•  One Night Stands

At that time, it always seemed like good idea. But in the aftermath, you frequently think: “I shouldn’t have gone through with that.”

•  Sex Too Soon

If you’re out adult dating someone and have sex too soon, especially as a woman, you will have to go through that phase where you’re not so sure if he’ll stick around just because all he was after was sex.

•  Taking Back an Ex

A coworker and friend of mine has done this to her ex five times already. We all gave her a hard time when we found out she took him back again. It seems that she copes with regret well. In most cases when we take back the ex just once, we do feel bad, especially when they do the same mean thing all over again.

•  The One That Got Away

Maybe you’ve experienced having someone like you at some point. You took it for granted and thought that they’ll always be around anyway. I did this to girl who had a crush on me all throughout middle school. And when I realized I was ready in college, it was too late.

•  Not Making an Effort

I often see a cute girl in a cafe or on the subway and I imagine all sorts of scenarios on how I’ll make my approach to introduce myself. In the end, all I had left was a fantasy of a girl in a cafe or on the subway.

•  Saying Stupid Things

How many times did I say something stupid to women? It’s just too many to count. A lot of times the failure can even be worse because I have this habit of doing pretty good for a while, setting up a nice structure only to destroy. I usually just cruise along and then say a horrible, blackboard-scratching thing to say that I think is so awesome. But one a girl walks away, slaps me, or just cries, only then do I realize my stupid mistake, and I’m left alone to lament my big mouth.

•  Breaking Up with Someone

Sometimes there is a need for this to be done, but regret it if you still have feelings for them later.

Just recently, I came across an article declaring that monogamy is so tough to pull off that a lot of couples may be better off being in open marriages, as long as they have set rules to agree on. Am I still stuck to traditional values, or is this just a ridiculous idea? Is having sex outside of marriage not considered cheating if your spouse knows about it?

The article has a lot of references to many celebrity affairs that have recently hit the news. We shouldn’t get caught up in the assumption that celebrity adult dating relationships are like the ones we’re in they’re not. It’s very unfortunate that cheating is seemingly accepted in celebrity circles, despite all the pain it brings. And just because famous guys can’t keep it in their pants, I think it’s prudent not to compare ourselves to celebrities and lose our faith in monogamy.

The article suggested that polygamy with boundaries can help create a healthy and lasting marriage. In my opinion, this just equates to people admitting that they are not capable of being in a monogamous adult dating relationship. I suppose there is some truth to this. Let’s be honest, most guys can’t keep it in their pants, famous or not. The agreed on rules help by setting limits on who each person can hook up with and how much they can do it. Still, with all things considered, if my wife was out with another guy, I’d be sitting at home wondering what she’s doing even if I’m allowed to have sex with someone else. All I want is to be with the woman I love and no one else, so why should I allow anyone else in?

However, the article does have a good point when it comes to sexuality among married couples. It recommends that you be very open to what excites you. It states that you should be “whores” to one another. Just like the other parts of marriage, sex can go through a “vanilla” phase, so the best way around this is to experiment and always keep an open mind.

I’m pretty sure a lot of people agree that sex is best done with the one you love, but why do people still look for sex outside of marriage? People probably think they are in love when they tie the knot, or eventually fall out of love after exchanging their “I dos.” But then there are also people who are monogamous by nature, and then some who simply don’t have it in their system. I have a lot of married friends, and I’m quite sure they will remain loyal to each other. This confirms that there are people who are capable of doing it. The article reiterates on the highly impossible dream of monogamy. However, the idea of an open marriage being healthy sans drama, albeit with rules, seems pretty impossible for me too.

Should we save marriage by establishing “polygamy rules?” Yes, we all have urges, but these physical urges are empty. And all the unfaithfulness is just a little odd to me.

I have a knack of psyching myself out. Plus, I also have an acute fear of success. The combination of these two frequently results in the sabotage of many would-be relationships when I try to hook up.

The self-sabotaging is more commonplace. The more serious a relationship becomes, the more energy and emotions you invest in it, and the more you risk and fear its failure.

But fear is a person’s defense mechanism. We may always embark on a quest to find love, but we will always be scared of it and often try to control our feelings to lessen the chances of experiencing a broken heart.

Here are a few “rules” people use to control everything that happens in love and dating. Here are a few important things to keep in mind.

•  The Timing Must Be Right

Before, I used to think I have to hook up with a person for specific amount of time usually at least six months before I get into a relationship. This may have stunted potential relationships that could have been meaningful. It’s impossible to control your feelings when you’re in love. You shouldn’t be setting a time limit or a certain amount of time. Love it is going to happen whether you like it or not.

•  Maintaining Mobility

A lot of guys look at marriage as the end of their personal growth. This means staying single gives you more ability to move to a new place, switch careers, and develop as a person overall. There may have some truth to it, but in a healthy marriage, both partners have the ability to grow as a team.

But, of course, it’s much easier to have mobility when you’re not married. You never want to experience looking back saying, “What if I’d tried this?” And you definitely wouldn’t want that special person to get away. It may be much worse to look back and say, “What if I still had that person in my life?”

•  Time Restrictions

In the early stages of a relationship, you want to be together all the time. But in the back of your mind, you tell yourself to go easy on the time you spend together to prevent relationship burn out.

However, if your feelings are destined to burn out, it’s going to happen regardless of how much time you spend together.

The best approach is to do what your heart tells you to do: Spend as much time with your partner as you want. At some point, your friends will either have something to say, or you may miss hanging out with them. In any case, if you’re in a healthy relationship, you’ll know when to spend time apart at the right time.

A friend’s friend has called his ex seven times since she took him to Splitsville. So naturally, I had to tell my friend to bequeath my adult dating advice about breaking up to him. Whether you want her back or not, if you follow the rules listed below, you will keep your dignity intact, perhaps win her back, or eventually get over her entirely.

•  Ride Off Into the Setting Sun

Back in college, I took an “American Western Movies” class, and this class taught me one thing: It made me want to become a cowboy. They are so cool and collected. They never play their hand, never look rattled, and are always confident. One thing they all did after their business was done is ride off as the sun sets on the horizon.

When a girl breaks up with me, I’ll say, “It was great getting to know you over the past <insert length of time>. Take care.”

My business is done, so I’ll figuratively ride off into the setting sun. She won’t hear from me. Ever. And then it will suddenly dawn on her that she’s not getting her money’s worth from this breakup. It’s true that people who do the breaking up have some sort of power over their ex. They like to be the decision maker and have the control. But after I just walk away like it’s no biggie, she’ll start to think, “Why isn’t he even affected over this? Did he even care?” Or the even better, more coveted: “Did I do the right thing when I broke up with him?” That’s when you know you’re in business.

•  Put the Wizard of Oz Effect Into Good Use

Of course, we are surely in pain and anguish after a break up, but we definitely can’t let that show, so remember: “Pay no mind to that man behind the curtain.” This means that behind the curtain we can bitch, cry, be angry and hurt, but we must make ourselves look fine with everything on the outside.

This also gives the illusion that you’re already adult dating someone else, or perhaps you have other things going on. Of course, you’re hurting and miserable and there’s really nothing going on, but they don’t have to know.

•  Don’t Look Back

This is quite tough to accomplish. It’s like when they say not to look down, but still look down. So make it easy on yourself and don’t look back until it’s time when you’re truly over her.

Just a few days ago, the boys and I were discussing the pros and cons of the innocent girl versus the bad girl. After going through all the categories, they all agreed that they prefer an innocent woman over a bad girl.

Surprising? Not really. You have to know that we do pay attention to that overall aura you give off, and there are times when we go for the opposite of what we went for in the past, but we definitely classify women into innocent or bad.

However, it’s a touch choice because while we like innocent women, we don’t want to be bored. On the other hand, a bad girl with bats in her belfry is too much. I will always go with a perfect mix and prefer an innocent girl with an occasional fun bad streak.

Here are a few reasons why guys prefer to hook up with innocent girls:

•  Corrupting Innocence is Fun

I think the reason why the buttoned up corporate look is so hot on women is because I like how the “innocent” style is put together that makes me want to take it apart. Turning someone from good to bad is kind of fun, and it feels more of like a mutual journey. Guys just want to take the lead in that journey instead of being the followers.

•  Guys Don’t Take Bad Girls Seriously

Of course, a bad girl can be fun and exciting, but she’s not the kind we would bring home to mom in most cases. We also assume they don’t look for anything too serious, so it’s safe for us to do the same.

•  Bad Girls Can Be Intimidating

This is my biggest concern, because I don’t interact well with intimidating women. Don’t get me wrong, I love confident women, although it has to be the quiet type of confidence and not in-your-face type. A lot of guys won’t probably admit to it, but they don’t want to be in bed with someone who knows more stuff than they do.

•  Bad Girls Look Promiscuous

I’m pretty sure not everyone likes promiscuity, and everyone doesn’t want to be cheated on. Either way, a promiscuous woman is guaranteed to get hit on because a guy will always want to hook up with her and take her home, but it usually doesn’t amount to anything in the end.

•  Guys Have Control Issues

Guys hate to admit it, but we generally like to be in control. So this applies to bad girls being hard to control we never know what she’s capable of doing next.

I have a newfound appreciation for couples who last for an entire year of adult dating without breaking up. In this day and age when the average attention span is shorter than a hobbit’s height, a year is a relatively long time to be together. This includes the peaks and valleys you have to cross over to make it through in an adult dating relationship.

Recently, I’ve come across a study that laid out the most common breakup points in the year. The study was done by monitoring Facebook profiles that referenced breakups. It was quite interesting to see them spike at certain times of the year. Here is my analysis of the study’s results:

•  Valentine’s Day

How ironic is it to have a rash of breakups at the most romantic time of the year? My theory is women split up with their boyfriends when he screws up on this day. He probably didn’t get her a good gift, or maybe he totally forgot about the holiday.

•  Spring Break

When the weather starts to heat up and hormones start to kick in, it’s hard to be in a relationship.

•  April Fool’s Day

Is this a sick joke? Do people really break up as a stupid prank? I’d be in huge trouble if I tried to pull that one on my girl.

•  Mondays

The study showed a consistent spike on Mondays. As I get further on in my professional life, I have to admit, I hate Mondays more and more. I think the breakups happen on Mondays when they are feeling depressed or a bit down in the dumps. Or maybe it’s just as simple as people having to update their Facebook profiles on Monday.

•  Summer

Summer is also a “playful” time of the year after a layover from spring fever. It’s warm, a lot of people are partying and going on vacations, and there is this universal desire to be free. Or, because of the exciting stuff happening in going on adventures and vacations, someone may end up cheating that can lead to a breakup.

•  Weeks Before the Holidays

When you’re planning to break up, there are times when you have to consider the right timing. Breaking up with someone is mean, but breaking up with them during the holidays is just plain heartless. So why not get it done and over with before the holidays?

I’ve always wanted to turn into a woman-attracting machine: someone who wouldn’t analyze, wait around, or let anything get to him someone who’d be smooth.

Well, after a few years it’s finally coming into play. No, it’s not by re-invention, but by doing a few adjustments. And since those adjustments, I haven’t had much success in attracting women in the adult dating game.

One of the hardest things about changing is admitting your own mistakes. Once you do this, you are ready to make some changes to look more attractive. Here are a few adult dating tips to make you more attractive.

•  Talk Less

I’ve always said I’d do it, and now that I have, I’ve learned so much. I admit that I’ve always wanted to be the center of attention. But I finally realized that women like to have their share of attention too.

Whenever I attempt to take over a conversation, it steals myself away from a woman. Once I decided to take a step back and realized this, I discovered how to temper my conversations.

Now that I don’t say a lot of things, a listener doesn’t have to sift through all the useless words that come out of my mouth to get to what’s important. It also makes what few words I say have more impact.

•  Try Not to Be Funny All the Time

I used to go mingle at social events with the mindset of having to make people laugh the whole time. Remember, I used to be the guy that filled space with sounds and hilarity, but my antics made me look like a court jester. Now, in the newly improved toned down version of myself, I’ve transformed into a more interesting and sophisticated conversationalist with a dash of wit.

•  Spit Out Random Facts

I am a warehouse of random trivia, and I’ve been spitting them out at parties and when I go out on dates. Women find it intriguing to know that bull sharks can survive in fresh water or Eric Clapton played lead guitar in The Beatles song “While My Guitar Gently Weeps.” The beautiful thing about this is you don’t have to spend too much time dwelling on just one topic, which is just perfect to those who have a very short attention span.

•  Don’t Make Fun of Yourself

Self-deprecating humor is a delicate art form which I have been abusing until recently. I have a knack for making fun of myself, pushing the bar lower every time. However, it is much better to spend your time with a girl by asking about her life, or talking about something more interesting than how lame I am because they’ll eventually figure out that later.

When bringing your A-game in adult dating, keep in mind that you don’t share the exact same DNA with someone else. There are some people that are just naturally born with stunning good looks, huge brains, and incredible acuity. Some are just natural Kate Beckinsales, and some are naturally Jimmy Kimmel or Steve Jobs they normally function on a higher level of intellect. And then there are the rest of us who are attractive, sexy, and interesting in our own unique ways.

Remember, you may not have the kind of advantages other people have. Even if you have some advantages over the competition when adult dating, it doesn’t necessarily mean you have all the advantages over your peers and colleagues. For instance, a while back a friend was a bit hard on himself for not being successful. He had every advantage in the world, but I pointed out to him that, sure, he has a degree from an Ivy League college the kind that a few can beat. At the same time, his folks don’t have a fancy education under their belts; they divorced when he was still very young, so there was loads of emotional chaos; and they were relatively impoverished. What’s more, his dad is morally shameful in my opinion. And to top it all off, my friend is struggling with a lot of emotional issues, and I am quite certain his DNA comes with a lot more biochemical imbalances than the average person’s.

Remember, you don’t have the same lucky breaks or random opportunities in life like other people get. There are times when all it takes is the right first job, or second, to launch a person to a totally different stratosphere.

In the same regard, keep in mind that others may not have had the same unfortunate breaks you’ve experienced. You may have gone through some huge setbacks that are related to illness, injury, or perhaps the death of someone you hold dear that others have not had to experience.

Ponder on the things you can do to change and improve yourself, but don’t beat yourself up for not being another person. It can sometimes be healthy to compare yourself to others, especially if you’re out to improve your game in the adult dating scene. If you realize your friends are doing stuff you’re not doing adult dating more actively, attending self-improvement classes or exercise regime it might encourage you to take a more positive action. What you don’t want to do is to look at all the people around you and think how they are all so awesome and you suck, because I have a feeling that isn’t really true.